Downtown Delivery Guy

This sign was posted in an apartment building on the 25XX block of grand ave. I saw it on a Friday. Can you imagine how bad the laundry is going to smell by Monday. If I lived in a building that had this problem I would pour bleach on it till it was corrected. Yuck!

I would like to preempt this post by saying that the vast majority of my customer tip very well some of them even live in the Kenwood neighborhood.

Minneapolis delivery drivers have a saying that describes an occurrence in the Kenwood neighborhood. After you delivery to a 1.5 million dollar house with lake view you receive a $1 tip or “The Kenwood Buck.” I guess the wealthy didn’t get that way by giving away their money.

I took this picture about 4 weeks ago on the corner of Hennipen and 26th st.

Again I delivered the same ol’ person the same ol’ meat.

It’s still there in exact same position,

with another bike parked on top of it for a fun new addition.

~Shane Mad Driver

The Hussy Girlfriend is a girlfriend of the many single straight guys of downtown Minneapolis. She is characterized by “living” in the suburbs. I add quotes to the word living because she is a serial dater and spends most nights with her current boyfriend. Although she spends most night in Minneapolis she has yet to learn any of its geography including which street her current boyfriend lives on. Here is how a typical call with the hussy girlfriend goes.

DDG: Downtown Delivery Guy (me) 

HG: The Hussy Girlfriend

DDG: Thanks for calling **** ******, how can I help you.

HG: umm, I want to place an order for take out.

DDG: By take out do you mean pickup or delivery?

HG: umm, delivery? (I add the question mark because her voice goes up at the end as if she isn’t sure and didn’t know we delivered.)(It’s important to note that the hussy girlfriend is still confused even if her phone number pulls up her information in our system meaning she has had a delivery in the past.)

DDG: Can I get your phone number?

HG: umm, 952-XXX-XXXX (of course she has a 952 number because she doesn’t live in Minneapolis.)

DDG: and your name?

HG: Kristy

DDG: Last Name?

HG: umm… (she hesitates as if I asked for a DNA sample) Johnson

DDG: Your address?

HG: umm, honey what’s your address? (I hear the boyfriend say the address) 625 n. 1^st st.

DDG: What unit number?

HG: umm, honey whats you apt. number? (I hear the boyfriend say the unit number.) apt. XXX

DDG: What can I get for you this evening?

HG: umm, do you have sweet and sour chicken.

DDG: Yes. (come on, what kind of chinese restaurant doesn’t have S&S CHX)

HG: Do you have those umm, cream cheese wantons.?

DDG: Yes (groan) Anything else?

HG: Honey what do you want? (I hear mumbling in the back ground) mongo beef?

DDG: Do you mean Mongolian Beef?

HG: huh,?,?,?, Oh, yeah that’s it.

DDG: That comes to $27.34, is that going to be with cash or credit?

HG: umm, honey do you have any cash? (groan) We have cash.

DDG: See you in 30-40.

While this phone call may seem painful the ordeal is hardly over. Since the hussy girlfriend gave her name and phone number when I get to the building her name won’t be in the call box. I will have to call her. She won’t answer her phone on the first try because she is an aggressive screener since she has many ex’s. Eventually she will answer her phone and come get her food.

You would think that would be the end, but it’s not. Several hours later she will have complete amnesia that I ever called her or even that she had food delivered. She is going to call me.

DDG: (As soon as I see the number on caller ID I know who is calling me) (grown)

HG: umm, who are you.

DDG: (My most common answer is) who are you, you called me.

HG: I saw your number on my phone 7 times.

DDG: (if I’m in a good mood) You ordered food I had to call you.

HG: umm, oh. (hang up)

Keep in mind I get these calls most often from 10pm – 3AM.

If I’m in a pissy mood or the hussy girlfriend didn’t tip the call goes more like this.

HG: umm, who are you.

DDG: you ordered food earlier right.

HG: yeah, umm…

DDG: It took 7 phone calls for your skank ass to pickup the phone. (hang up)

Sometimes when the hussy girlfriend calls I’m at a friends house or driving or don’t what to hang on the phone, in these situations I need one liner that makes the hussy girlfriend stop calling.

If I’m in a good mood and the hussy girlfriend tipped well.

HG: umm, who are you.

DDG: You ordered food earlier and I had to call you to come down and pick it up

HG: oh, ok goodbye (hang up)

If I’m in a pissy mood and the hussy girlfriend didn’t tip well.

HG: umm, who are you.

DDG: I’m your stalker.

HG: (hang up)

One of the things Anna (my boss) has me do for her is pick up take out from various restaurants downtown. I have started collecting coupons from her favorite restaurant and use them on her orders. A great source for coupons is surveys offers printed on receipts. For example: she orders $60 worth of food and gives me $65 to go and pick it up for her. If I have a $10 off coupon I will get $15 for picking it up. This also means I made enough to give the host or take out person a several bucks. It is important for me to maintain tipping karma. Hell, my livelihood depends on tipping karma.

This door is monstrous. It is in the basement of the apartments at 22 e 22^nd st. It connects the parking garage to the elevator, it looks like it belongs in a prison.

I had a delivery to 110 w. grant and there was a post it note on the door of the unit I was delivering to. The note read:

YOU MAKE NOISE TONIGHT
I WILL CALL THE POLICE
YOU DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLE
-YOUR NEIGHBOR ON THE 20^TH FLOOR

I always love the notes and signs I see in apartment and condo buildings.

You drive like shit!

Some special things you may want to take into consideration for next year:

1. Before turning onto a street verify that it is not a one way in the opposite direction. If a group of cars starts honking at you and flashing their lights this may be a sign you’re driving the wrong way. Is this anyway to treat your date?

2. Have a thought about where you’re going before your missing your turn. All the streets operate in a grid it’s not that hard to figure out.

3. A special note to the people from the western suburbs; the blocks of signs showing which lanes exit onto I-394 are not a joke. Although you may find it exciting to almost run into the cement barrier at the last moment the rest of us don’t share your sense of adventure.

See you next year.

PS: Tonight made me realize how much I love the daily commuter driving population. I’ll see you bitches tomorrow.

This is a pic of Target Plaza South from outside the symphony place apartments (1117 Marquette)

Click picture to dive in.

I can’t help but keep posting these pictures from the job.

I was on the somethingteen floor when taking this colorful view. Yes, it is photoshopped a bit, but, not much at all really, just heightened saturation of colors.

~Shane Mad Driver